i have been the kind of girl who has spent most of her life obsessed with love and couples and basically anything romantic,sappy and sweet…i looked for the opportunity to experience what i saw as a normal for so many other people..i looked at the stock boy at the supermarket and thought i wonder what it would be like if he was my boyfriend…i day dreamed on a constant basis..i dreamt about what it would be like if i fell in love and someone fell in love with me…for some many years i thought it was impossible…love and all the good and bad that came with it were not for me…i though like that for nearly 22 years..then came Luis…
Luis was the kind of guy that got what he wanted and kept things the way he wanted…he was a power hungry type of guy and yet to me he seemed like Mr Softy…he was passionate about so many things that it drew me in…all it took for him was to tell me he cared about me and that he “LOVED ME”…Love? it was a loaded word to me that meant so much that i couldn’t wrap my head around that fact that a guy was in love with me..me?…the love Luis felt for me was fake..as fake as the intelligence he held so high…i thought he was smart but i ended up being the dumb one in “love” with a complete moron…but i guess it was bound to happen..someone was bound to notice that i was starving for attention and love..the moment he got that he was able to control me down to the amount of affection i could show and the amount of clothes i would take off..i transformed int o this person i thought could never exist in my world…i was desperate for attention and i walked lengths to get it…i lost control..the thing i fear the most..after all was said and done i was never a girlfriend… i was just a make out buddy with other benefits that are supposed to only for the person who calls you their own…and he was able to cast me aside really easily the moment i let myself shine through again and he got married…
the second time around i promised myself i would look the other way…all the pain, the humiliation, the shame and the anger…i refused to go through it again..it is true when i say that the beginning was great..we would hold hands and kiss (he wasn’t to good at that.lol)..everything was good…but he was shady and deceptive..i saw all men that way..i wanted to regain that power i had in my life..
then Mario entered again in my life…
We were friends before..during my Luis days he was there and watched me destroy myself and he was there as i was picking up the pieces and he was still there when i began to lick my wounds…for some reason he was able to see me at each stage and recognize the truth of the matter at hand..he saw things for what they were..he was one of the only people who knew that me and Luis were together even if it was unofficial…he made me feel like i didn’t have to hate men..he reminded me how nice people are…he re-entered my life via other friends and as soon as we got a chance to just hang out the two of us i couldn’t help but fall for him..
he is one of the sweetest men i have ever met…from the beginning he always made sure i was ok or taken care of..even if that meant i was buying him food or driving him somewhere..i liked being with him because it was natural it felt natural to be by his side..we would go to see improv at the U of A and then just walk and talk for hours…we never run out of things to say..he pushes me to do better in school and i actually ended up doing better then i thought…for some reason when we are together stars shoot in the sky..one of the first times we hung out we just laid there and i saw 3 shooting stars in one night..for me it was magical and he was the effect…all i wanted to do that night was reach for his hand but my mind didn’t let me..it was at that same spot where i first saw stars where he asked me to be his…how could i say no?!…after amazing dates how could i let him go???…our first kiss was under a full moon and a halo in the middle of the Arizona desert..after watching an amazing sunset…he is everything i wanted and so much more..he is just amazing..he adores me and i live to make him smile…he makes me feel that life is great and it is great because me and him are in it..he puts up with my complete non sense and makes fun of me and keeps me on my toes..everything about me and him is unpredictable..i found his weakness and he found mine…he makes me smile all over..i make him lose his train of thought..i make him wanna fall asleep in my arms and he makes me want to wake him up with kisses..i nibble his bottom lip and he forgets to breath..he kisses my neck and forget to think…he makes me want to lay beside him and wake up there…he encompasses so many aspects of a perfect person..how could i be with him?…how could he want to be with me?..he is super smart and rational yet we both turn into non-rational people when we are together…time is a theory more then a means to ends or beginnings…we are never very good at leaving each other..he makes me want to stay and he makes me want him to stay… in a perfect world there would only be me, him and the stars…how can i keep him?…i want him my life i feel like i need him…
life moves pretty fast if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.
—
Ferris Bueller
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Today i have to face what i refuse to believe is the cause for my endless discomfort. She is going to have to face me and deal with it. I cannot let her or anyone dictate how i help others or how i lead others to help the community. She an he thought they could just let things be and live their lives the way they want. They did not take into consideration that there are consequences for actions. Good or Bad. They exist whether they want them to or not. I refuse to be driven away, i refuse to back down. I refuse to lay my head down and pretend the world stopped spinning around me. There is no way. No matter what i need to hold my head up high and show them the class of woman they messed with. They will not be my down fall they will not define me. I am loved and the people who surround me care about me enough to protect me. These are the people that are worth having in my life, not them.
ok….WTF?….how can it be that i finally found a decent guy and he of course turns out to be the most emotionally unavailable man EVER!!!??
Who is to say that we can be defined by our sign…the twins…dual personalities?…skilled in conversation?…distractible? flighty? liars? vain?…why is it that all the things i read about geminis are in fact true?…they say that geminis are prone to getting bored and making their own drama to keep themselves entertained..how is that i find that drama finds me not the other way around?…could it be that i do in fact make drama find its way in my direction?..can i be the way i am simply because of the moon i was born under?..the planets aligned in a way that made my personality a certain way…?
scary thought..but it seems to be true at the moment..
Here, where the sea shines
and the wind howls,
on the old terrace
beside the gulf of Sorrento,
a man embraces a girl
after the tears,
then clears his throat
and contines the song:
I love you very much
very, very much, you know;
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the veins,
you know…
He saw the lights out on the sea,
thought of the nights there in America,
but they were only the fishermen’s lamps
and the white wash astern.
He felt the pain in the music
and stood up from the p iano,
but when he saw the moon
emergin from a cloud,
death also seemed sweeter to him.
He looked the girl in the eyes,
those eyes as green as the sea.
Then suddenly a tear fell
and he believed he was drowning.
I love you very much,
very, very much, you know;
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the veins,
you know…
The power of opera,
where every drama is a hoax;
with a little make-up and with mime
you can become someone else.
But two eyes that look at you,
so close and real,
make you forget the words,
confuse your thoughts,
so everything becomes small,
also the nights there in America.
You turn and see your life
through the white wash astern.
But, yes, it is life that ends
and he did not think much about it,
on the contrary, he already felt happy
and continued his song:
I love you very much,
very, very much, you know;
it is a chain by now
that heats the blood inside the veins,
you know…
I happened upon Katy Perry’s myspace today…she has a phone number listed where you can “call her”…the voicemails are played on her myspace…i listened to over maybe 100…why may you ask did i listened to so many..1st i have the time to do so..don’t be a hater..2nd i was in complete shock and awe of how many people are so easily convinced..they think Katy Perry listens to every single one of their messages..i heard young and old..straight and very gay..i heard men and women..haters and lovers..i heard people who are completely tone deaf and people who didn’t even know how to pronounce her name..”cat-ee”..”kerry”…”kate-y” (which i believe is the correct way..^_^)..and her last name as “petty”..”pear-ee”…(which is also correct..if i am not mistaken)..some of the voicemails were for hookups..some were to just show some love…recite lyrics..apologize for missing a TV appearance…or just hating…it is amazing how i was able to see the demographic of some much of america in such little time in comparison..she had over 9,800 voicemails..and the number literally was getting bigger by the minute….the amount of very very young kids was amazing…this means that kids very small kids are not only listening but using the net…not just for games..not just for fun but to communicate how they feel..the world has to take them into account..not just because “they are our future”..but amazingly enough their taste matter…can you imagine marketing agents at kindergarten classroom..”what are you little ones listening to these days?, Sesame Does the Hits?”..—“Ummmm..NO..we like young Jeeze and Usher and Katy Perry”..they would even know how to pronounce her name..it is amazing..its a lil sick if you think about it….when did this all happen..when did kids come out fully developed humans..with music preferences and opinions..not just a like for pink crayons over the yucky gray ones..i didn’t form-my real opinion on music genres till well….now!…i went with fads when i was younger..then tried genres as i got older..now i can listen to a lot of stuff and actually be able to articulate why i like certain songs or artist..but these kids have buying power..they read magazines..the post on their myspace’s…they send Katy Perry voicemails!!..what more could a marketing analyst need..all they need to see is how many people are calling and BOOM!..more promo money is awarded…”THEY LOVE HER!!”…well duh!..shove anything sweet down a kids throat and they will come back for more and more…its insane..its genius!..why don’t more artist jump on the phone number and mass voicemail wagon…if Katy Perry ever feels down about a show that maybe didn’t go as well as she hoped or maybe her day just sucked….all she has to do is jump on her myspace and BOOM! PRESTO!!..instant pick me up..”we love you”..”you are so HOT”..she is the luckiest women i know right now!…really wouldn’t that be great..if people from around the country would tell you how fab you are and you can make them say it over and over and over and over and over again…wow!..that would be the best…well..now i know…Girls have taken over the world…and so has the phone..o and the internet..i already knew that for some strange and odd reason…thank god or any diety for that matter that i’m a girl..so i’m on the winning team..^_^
I read the last line…
“junto al amigo, frente al enemigo,
con tu nombre en la boca
y un beso que jamas
se aparto de la tuya.”
—La Carta En El Camino—-Pablo Neruda
I felt a tear slowly fall on my cheek. The entire poem was around 2 pages..his words brought me to tears. Genuine emotion of sadness. I wanted the words to be mine. I wanted him to write those words for me. I wanted to feel like he did when he left his love. I want to feel loved. Loved to the point of tears. Love to the point that envokes poetry. Neruda felt love. He knew that he needed to put that love in words and those words made lines and lines made a poem. His words are forever trapt between pages of books. They are small arrows to me heart. They move me to tears….
